Sex & Sox

My passions: Sex and the Boston Red Sox!

Friday, January 28, 2005

Who Stopped the Rain?

For someone that writes and thinks about sex as much as I do, I sure am experiencing a drought in that aspect of my life right now. We haven't had sex in a month. It's the longest we've gone without while together.

Now, in most relationships, I'd say this could be a sign of trouble. Not so, here. We still kiss, snuggle, say "I love you", sleep together naked and pressed close, smile, talk, laugh, and make each other breakfast. We're just experiencing (fortunately, at the same time) lack of desire. He works sixty to seventy hours a week, with only Saturdays off, and I sit at home feeling guilty about that fact.

I hate having sex in the morning -- I don't like the groggy, dry-mouthed, "I have to pee" feelings, or the too-bright sunlight streaming in through our windows. Oh, have I mentioned we don't have curtains? On any of our windows? Voyeurs across the street must be sorely disappointed lately. Now, at night, I'm ready to go. It's dark and sultry, and I can set up candles to change the lighting. The apartment's nice and warm from me having the heat blasting all day while he's at work. But that's precisely it: he's been working all day on a freezing cold dock, supervising and loading and unloading, and he's exhausted.

We're on different rhythms, and it's showing.

Now, despite everything I write, and how I act, I'm still a quite normal woman, given to all the self-berating that women are. We'll have sex and instead of enjoying myself, I'll worry about whether my hair's getting knotted, or if there's cellulite showing, if I've got sock lint stuck to my toes or if I should've brushed my teeth first. I worry about how I feel, how I taste, how I smell, whether I've shaved recently and whether he cares, whether I'm making him do all the work or whether I'm doing enough, and most of all, I try to hide that extra chub on my belly. I'm usually excellent at controlling my thoughts and ignoring things that bother me, but I've been having a hell of a hard time doing it for the past few months.

I know a lot of this is psychosomatic and has to do with being stressed. I'm not relaxed and I'm very unhappy with myself. As those of you who have read here for awhile know, I lived with a man three years ago, and while I worked full-time, he sat at home playing computer games. Now, the situation is reversed: I'm sitting at home playing computer games while my man works. I feel so guilty and wretched, and while he assures me that everything's fine and that he'd rather have us together like this than in different countries and both working (I agree), it's very hard for me to get myself out of my head.

We've talked about the drought, and were even laughing about it earlier today, but it's definitely something that I'd like to avoid having happen in the future.

Usually, I'd put a post like this in my personal journal, where a grand total of six people would read it, and we'd possibly talk about it but mostly likely just ignore it. But it does have to do with sex, and there are so many more people who visit here that I figure someone's got to have some story to relate.

Oh, and, on a happier note: next week, on Tuesday, I'll be starting up a (not-safe-for-work) weekly feature here at Sex & Sox that will hopefully go over well!