Sex & Sox

My passions: Sex and the Boston Red Sox!

Monday, December 06, 2004

Answer to a Question

I had started typing this as a comment, but it's too long, so now it's an entry.

Please understand that I'm not seeking sympathy by posting this. It just ... well, hell, we all like to talk about ourselves, don't we?

So.... Chele76 asked:
This may seem like a silly question.... but why were you with him that long?

And I answer:
Nah, not a silly question, and one that I still often ask myself. I learned so much about from that relationship that I don't regret the time 'lost'.

Basically, this is how the story goes. I met him online when I was 16 and he was 23. "Fell in love". Started ignoring school and treating my family like shit. Lost all of my friends. He was my world and I'd be damned if anyone was going to get between us for any reason.

Half a credit away from graduating high school, I dropped out. I ran away to Michigan to live with him. He told me he lived with friends -- he didn't, he lived in his parents' basement.I was completely dependent on him. He didn't work. For a long time, I didn't, either. We spent all day sitting online ignoring
each other. He stopped wanting to have sex. I stopped wanting to let him.

But I had given up so much to be with him that I wasn't going to abandon the relationship. I wasn't going to swallow my pride and admit that I had made a mistake. And besides, it was what I deserved,
for hurting my family.

He started beating me for no good reason -- something to do. He'd make up charges about me lying to him and cheating on him. How could I, when I was either at home with him or at work, where he called me every hour and kept me on the cell for the entire drive there and the entire drive back?

Half of my paycheck went to him. He wanted it; I "didn't need it"; he would go out drinking. Call me from the bar, berating me, telling me about "all the women" hanging all over him.When you're beaten down like that -- when your spirit is broken -- at least for me -- I just couldn't fight back. There wasn't that willpower. People say it should be easy to leave, but it isn't. I didn't have enough money for a plane ticket. He and his family were ALWAYS around. There was no way for me to have left without him knowing.

It is very, very easy for a person as young as I was, as scared as I was, to believe someone else has complete power over them. And believing it makes it true.

I had dreams about him dying. Just dying, so I didn't have to leave him, but so that I could mourn him and move on, which was an important idea in my life. I didn't want him to be hurting, but neither did I have the... strength of character... to say goodbye. I just wanted to be separated from him.

Everything ended when I was on the phone with my mother one day and she just started crying and said, "You sound so unhappy. Come home." I told her to fuck off and hung up.

She called me the next day. She and my stepfather were getting back together and that meant he'd be moving out of his apartment. It was $450/month, he'd leave it to me fully furnished, and it was in the only 'town' in the area, so I'd be able to find a job and walk to it without trouble.

My boyfriend and I decided we would move. We decided it wasn't healthy for us to be staying in his parents' house. I was terrified of him coming with me -- I looked at it as, "If he comes with me, I am dedicating the rest of my life to him." I knew I didn't want to do that... so I somehow convinced him to stay in Michigan. To see if he could find a job to save up some money.

When I left, it was heaven. I was so happy to be "single", to be without him. On the day that ironically was my now-boyfriend's 28th birthday, my ex was on the phone with me and he asked, "Will you love me forever?"

"No," I said, "No, I won't love you. I don't love you. You're not coming out here."

That was the most freeing moment of my life... and I hope it remains that way. I don't ever want to feel like I have escaped from something again, because it means that I will have felt trapped by something.

Anyhow, that's the overview. The details aren't something that... need to be talked about. Hopefully, though, it serves as some type of answer and insight.